Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Things to Consider When Wearing Wool

The following is an important public service announcement.

When wearing wool as a part of a regular routine, there are a number of things we, of the Sheep-American community, must always remember to take into consideration:

This concludes our public service announcement. Thank you.

Friday, April 25, 2008

Top Ten Things to Do to Really Rock the Farm

The farm can be a kind of dull life for a sheep. Grazing, jumping over fences (our Fencercize class is held three times a week), napping and counting people, having clover tastings... That's pretty much the whole of it. And that's why it's up to the creative few like Yours Truly to liven things up.

So I thought I'd share with you my Top Ten Things to Do to Really Rock the Farm.
1.) Cow tipping. You think this is only for human teenagers? Think again. Look, if cows are stupid enough to fall asleep standing up and leave themselves vulnerable, then they're going to have to accept what they get. They lay down during rain; so it's not like they don't have the capability of sleeping in a prone position. I'm just sayin'. Fair's fair.

2.) Make formations in the field for airplanes flying overhead. This is one of my favorites, but it does involve the whole flock pulling together. A plane flies overhead, the pilot peers below, and sees all the sheep in the field spelling out "S.O.S." Or "Eat at Joes." Or "Vote for Pedro." They report it, and who's going to believe 'em? A comedy classic.

3.) Crop-circles, crop-circles, crop-circles. Again, teenagers make great scapegoats (pardon the pun) for this sort of thing. But there's nothing like channeling your artistic side and making crop circles. Look, as sheep, we have opportunity, and we have the talent. But no one ever suspects. That is the beauty of it. Where do you always find crop circles? In areas that are heavily populated by SHEEP. So go ahead, humans. Blame all the college students you like. We're just laughing our fluffy tails off.

4.) Lolla-baa-looza. Once a year, I get the gang together for a day-long summer concert. A number of the rams 'n' lambs have good pipes and spend all year practicing. My favorite song to perform is Metallica's "Where the Wooled Things Are" and Led Zeppelin's "Cashmere," but we've also had fun with Men Without Hats' "Lamb Down Under" and Alice Cooper's "Wool's Out."

5.) Tractor rides. Ah, nothing like riding through the fields with the wind in your wool! And I have grown to be an excellent driver. Sure, the farmer's starting to think he's going senile, because the tractor is never quite where he left it. And okay, it takes two sheep-- one to work the pedals and one to steer. But we've got a system down now.

6.) Selling your own wool on Ebay. Now that I have this computer, I've discovered the wonders of Ebay. So I think I can make a decent profit if I shave myself this spring, before the farmer gets going, and then weave the wool into eco-friendly wool ponchos. With the extra cash, I can buy more Aloha shirts and Chucks. (Possibly also via Ebay, if I can just figure out what shipping address the barn would be.)

7.) Planting things in the garden that the farmer didn't. Sometimes it's good to mix things up a little. So every year I try to plant just a few things the farmer didn't on his land. This row is tomatoes?... Then what's more fun than seeing a few giant pumpkins tucked in there? Beans? Beans look great with sunflowers rising way out over the field. Lettuce? How about a couple of pineapples thrown in for good measure? Why, one year I had a sapling palm tree taking root pretty nicely for a few months. The farmer thinks we have some serious bird migration.

8.) Dying the chickens' eggs in the henhouse. You can use all sorts of natural things as egg dye. What I like to do is wait for the chickens to lay the eggs, dye the eggs, then put them back. We had a whole summer where the farmer was convinced he was going to make a fortune.

9.) Blogging to the Sheep-American community. Natch.

10.) Lease the side of the barn for advertising. You see those Mail Pouch Tobacco ads there on the sides of barns? How do you think those happen? At least on our farm, I'm the expert negotiator. A couple of sheep in a decent farmer's disguise, a couple of words with the Mail Pouch representative? Money in our pockets. And what did we do with the money? Fresh oats, clover and some new instruments for Lolla-baa-looza.

That, my friends, is how you seriously liven up the meadow.